Much is said about the difficulties endured by those suffering from anxiety and depression. It is a dark, confusing, and often hopeless feeling shared by many but in tormented seclusion. I am thankful to say I have never personally experienced this darkness, but I do have a perspective sometimes overlooked. Though I do not pretend to compare my experience with that of someone who suffers from anxiety or depression, being the brother to a sibling with these personal struggles can be confusing and painful in its own right.
My younger sister developed a rather severe struggle with depression when she was in middle school and I was a high school sophomore. It has taken me several years to begin to understand what she deals with on a daily – even hourly – basis. It is sometimes hard to know where the line is between what I need to know and what is best left between her and her doctors and our parents. I want to show my sister love, but sometimes it is difficult to know whether saying the comforting thing will be beneficial to her progress, or if I am even saying something true. However, I have found that most of the time it doesn’t matter – the point is that I take the time to care and be as supportive as she needs me to be at that moment. [I want to make one clear distinction – acting in a loving way does not mean allowing a destructive habit or thought process to continue because you feel it is too difficult to correct at the moment. Enabling is not showing love, it is doing harm – particularly when it comes from a trusted family member.] This is where the confusion, in my experience, has come from. When is something I say counterproductive to what my sister has worked on with her counselor? In this sense, it is important to be kept in the loop as much as is deemed appropriate by the doctors, parents, and sibling involved. However, I’ve found it doesn’t necessarily take a lot of knowledge of the intimate details of my sister’s struggles in order to be a supportive brother. I can show love by simply listening when she needs to talk; by staying silent and simply sitting with her when she has no words but wants to feel accompanied; by providing an uplifting or humorous distraction; and by giving gentle reminders that all the work she does with any number of rotating doctors and counselors is all in her best interest and will eventually pay off. Sometimes it is hard to believe these kinds of things from professionals, friends, or parents, but for some reason hearing it from a sibling can carry a little more weight.
If you are a sibling to someone struggling with anxiety or depression, I urge you not to give up. Seeing you give up or withdraw from being a pillar in your sibling’s support system will have no positive impact on his or her treatment. To a depressed or anxious person, the perception of a sibling not caring or – even worse – showing signs of shame to be associated with him or her will almost certainly do damage. To be supportive and loving, you do not need to know anything about psychology or counseling therapy. The only thing you need to know is how to show your sibling that you love him or her no matter what their thoughts, behaviors, struggles, or triumphs may be. Simply knowing that a sibling cares and is willing to be as invested in the process as necessary may be the thing that gets your sibling through the next bout with panicked or depressed thoughts. You can model how to “hang in there” by doing so yourself, even if you are confused about all the details of it. The details aren’t your concern – showing love is.
By: Josh Anderson